Being a widow at age 31 is difficult enough with all the added responsibilities, pressures and choices that are thrown onto a person as a result of the spouse's death, but being a widow to suicide, makes the term surviving spouse literal in meaning. I compare my own situation to a mountain climber. The climber has physical, mental and emotional challenges to strive to survive and make it to the top. A suicide survivor faces mental, physical and emotional challenges in their daily struggles with life, which can cause physical and/or mental illness and, in some cases, even death, if they are not prepared to handle the climb to surviving.

I lost my husband four years ago (1994) and I feel that I am still at the base of the mountain. However, I am still striving to reach the top and I hope that I will never give up - for my young daughter's sake. I miss my husband. We had our problems like every marriage does, but there is not a day that goes by that I would gladly deal with those problems and have a husband, than not deal with the problems and have no husband.

Some people condition themselves to handle life's problems like an athlete trains to run a marathon. Other people are just natural born athletes or survivors. However, a few us us struggle to get up to change the channel on the television set, let alone be able to deal with the tragedy of a spouse's suicide. I know with the help of God, my family and friends that I will be able to start my climb to the top one day. Until then, I will try to maintain the progress that I have made and try to encourage others to do the same.

October, 1998